Thread: Not Inapropriate Jokes..

WARNING if you receive an E mail from the Department of Envvironment and Health saying
"Do not eat tinned pork because of Swine Flu"

Ignore it

It's SPAM!

A man staggers into a hospital with concussion,multiple bruises,
two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
The Dr. asked "What the hell happened to you?"

The man replies"Well I was out playing golf with my wife and we
sliced our balls into a field of cows,I found one stuck in a cows
fanny,I shouted to my wife this looks like yours.

I don't remember much after that.........

Originally Posted by selwyn8

WARNING if you receive an E mail from the Department of Envvironment and Health saying
"Do not eat tinned pork because of Swine Flu"

Ignore it

It's SPAM!

lmao

What is the difference between my back garden, and the Premier League?

My Back garden will still have Magpies in it next year.

Originally Posted by selwyn8

What is the difference between my back garden, and the Premier League?

My Back garden will still have Magpies in it next year.

maybe they should have done this...

http://www.laughfc.co.uk/wp/newcastles- ... elegation/

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Quality!

Little Sally comes home from school one day with a big smile on her face and told her mum "Frank Brown showed me his willy today,"before her mum freaked out she said "it reminded me of a peanut"
Relaxing a little with a hidden smile her mother asked "Really small was it?"
Sally replied
"...."No Salty!!"

Originally Posted by selwyn8

WARNING if you receive an E mail from the Department of Envvironment and Health saying
"Do not eat tinned pork because of Swine Flu"

Ignore it

It's SPAM!

:ymapplause: :ymapplause:

53,000 Geordies meet at St James Park for a "Geordies are not stupid convention"
The place is rammed Gazza,Jimmy Nail,Ant n Dec,Eric Burdon the fuckin'
lot are there,
Master of ceromonies Alan Shearer adresses the crowd..."We are all here today to prove that Geordies are not stupid,can i have a volunteer please?"

Gazza wades through the crowd and steps gingerly on to the stage in the centre circle.

Shearer says "Paul what is 15 plus 15?"
After about 10 seconds Gazza says "18"

Obviously everybody is a little disappointed and start chanting
GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE

So Shearer says "As we have a capacity crowd and the world's media are here I think it's only fair to ask him another,so Paul what is 12 plus 12?"

After about 30 seconds ....."90" says Gascoigne

Shearer looks down and lets out a dejected sigh everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying

But then the Geordies start yelling and shouting and rotating their scarves like they do for Sky TV and start singing GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE

Shearer unsure whether he is doing more harm than good says
"OK Paul what is 2 plus 2?"

Silence hangs over the stadium as Paul closes his eyes for a full minute and then says "4 Alan the answer is FOUR"

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordies stand to a man,wave their arms and stamp their feet and scream


GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE

A SCIENTIST has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling up and down when she moves too quickly. It also prevents their nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the shit out of him.

Paddy asks Murphy if he wants any fags when he goes on his holidays,
Murphy says "yes cheers mate get me 200 Bensons please"
Two weeks later Paddy comes back home,sees Murphy in the pub and says
"I got your fags you owe me £74.50"
"For fuck's sake" said Murphy "Where did you go on your holidays?"

Paddy says "Butlins"

An old man was in Homebase the other day pushing his trolley around when he collided with a young guy pushing his trolley.

He said to the young guy, 'Sorry about that I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'.

The young guy says, That's OK. . I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little concerned.

The old man said, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, 'she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, long legs, big boobs ..- she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra, What does your wife look like?'





'It doesn't matter....... Lets look for yours...'

Originally Posted by somatic

An old man was in Homebase the other day pushing his trolley around when he collided with a young guy pushing his trolley.

He said to the young guy, 'Sorry about that I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'.

The young guy says, That's OK. . I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little concerned.

The old man said, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, 'she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, long legs, big boobs ..- she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra, What does your wife look like?'





'It doesn't matter....... Lets look for yours...'

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”. Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.

St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”. “Never” replies Jason. “Well just relax and let it happen”. And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”

Three snails decide to go out for a picnic. They take a basket and travel for ten days to the perfect spot. they unpack the basket and the first snail says "Oh Bollocks, we've forgotten the crisps". The second snail says "Well, someone's going to have to go and get them". They each draw straws and it turns out the third snail gets the short straw.
"Fuck off," says the third snail, "I'm not going, you guys will eat all the sandwiches while I'm gone."
"No we won't," says the first, "We promise!"
"Okay," says the third snail, "I'll go but I swear, I'll kill the pair of you if you eat those sandwiches" and off he trots for the ten day hike back home.

Twenty days pass and no sign of the snail, and the first two snails are true to their word. Another ten days go by and the first snail says "I'm fucking starving, shall we eat the sandwiches?" but the second snail says "No, we made a promise, we should wait a little longer."

Eventually fifty whole days pass when the second snail says "Fucking hell, he's not coming back is he, I'm starved let's eat" and they tuck in to the sandwiches. As soon as the first bite is taken the third snail comes out from behind a rock and shouts: "AHA! I FUCKING KNEW IT - I'M NOT GOING"

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some **** in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

Originally Posted by selwyn

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some burk in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Teacher: Where the fuck do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: Because I fucking have one at home!!!

Quality thread, simple as

A guy knocked on my door the other day and complained that my dog had just chased after a woman on a bike.

I told him to fuck off. My dog doesn't even have a bike.

Originally Posted by selwyn

WARNING if you receive an E mail from the Department of Envvironment and Health saying
"Do not eat tinned pork because of Swine Flu"

Ignore it

It's SPAM!

hahahahaha

just got this text:-

Mate, your not going to believe this, I've just won a competition on Radio 1 for a holiday to Greece! Got £2000 spending money and I can take 5 mates. I know it's short notice but if your free from 1st December to 15th December, can you put my bin out?

I had that text last week ^^^
Funny how generic they are nationwide isn't it? Or is it?

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change you hair style...it makes your nose look too long."

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.