Thread: Not Inapropriate Jokes..

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.
Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?".
Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"

I pushed my suicidal friend in front of a steam train the other day.

He was chuffed to bits. :-j

What's yellow and white, and travels at 100mph?

A train drivers egg sandwich.

[video:2t0n2yun]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yl3UMO-TkE[/video:2t0n2yun]

Originally Posted by The Milkman

I pushed my suicidal friend in front of a steam train the other day.

He was chuffed to bits. :-j

I've just nearly covered my screen at work with coffee after reading that..quality

All my missus did over Xmas was moan moan moan about me watching the tele. Footy, Cricket, Rugby, Darts. So I thought it best to make it up to her and booked us a table for a night out.

She was still moaning after, as it took her two hours to pot the red!

i saw a bloke walking down the road with a fried egg on his head, so i asked him "why a fried egg on your head?" he reckons he tried it boiled but it kept rolling off.

A guy knocked on my door the other day and complained that my dog had just chased after a woman on a bike.

I told him to fuck off. My dog doesn't even have a bike.


funny as fook

Capello's just phoned Wayne Bridge and said, "I've just spoken to JT and he's lost the captain's armband. Do me a favour and have a good look under your bed for me."

I see Wayne Bridge refuses to play for England whilst Terry remains captain.
Lets hope he shags Emile Heskey's missus before the summer.

I just heard Ashley Cole got caught speeding,he was doing 130mph down the A3.
When the police asked why he was going so fast he replied,"i had just heard John Terry's car was parked outside my house!".

Wayne Bridge sent his wife a replica of his cock made from Cadbury's chocolate.
She said she prefers Terry's.

It doesn't take long.

blonde walks into the local dry cleaners after a Friday night out on the Town.

She places a garment on the counter.

"I'll be back tomorrah afternoon to pick up me skirt," she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"Nah mate," she replies, "This time it's mayonnaise."

Originally Posted by Bar

blonde walks into the local dry cleaners after a Friday night out on the Town.

She places a garment on the counter.

"I'll be back tomorrah afternoon to pick up me skirt," she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"Nah mate," she replies, "This time it's mayonnaise."

A Scotsman has been seen walking around Glasgow with a wellington on his penis. Police say there's no cause for alarm, he's obviously just fuckinaboot.

"Chelsea wherever you may be,Don't leave your wife with John Terry,
His dad deals coke & his mum steals tea,he cried when he missed a penalty,
Chelsea wherever you may be,Don't leave your wife with John Terry,
He cannot shoot & he can't fucking pass,But he'll take your Mrs up the arse."

^^^

John Terry has done fuck all wrong.All coaching manuals state:
If the full back leaves a hole,it's the centre backs job to fill it.

Originally Posted by waard

John Terry has done fuck all wrong.All coaching manuals state:
If the full back leaves a hole,it's the centre backs job to fill it.

On a serious note, I can't believe JT's been dropped as England captain over all this! ATEOTD the way I see it is all he's actualy guilty of doing is being unfaithfull to his wife

i think he should have lost it. he is a role model for millions of lads (maybe )and if your a role model you have to be squeaky clean. i had the same argument with my mrs t'other day.

A parrot swallows a viagra tablet.His owner,disgusted,puts him in the freezer to cool off.
Later when he opens the freezer he finds the parrot sweating."How come your sweating?" He asks.
The parrot replies "Do you know how fucking hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken"!

A nun went to the doctors cos she was feeling sick.He told her she was pregnant.
She was totally dumbfounded due to severe shock at the news.
The next day she stormed into the monastry where the monks lived & shouted:
"Right which one of you dirty bastards has been wanking over the candles?"

A little girl ran crying to her mum asking for a glass of cider."What do you want a glass of cider for?"
"I've cut my hand on a thorn," explains the child."So why the cider?"
"Well i overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand,she feels a lot better once it's in cider."

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
Very nice but i think they misunderstood when i said i wanna watch.